House T.V. Series Quotes
Dr. Gregory House (Hugh Laurie) is socially inept, breaks all the rules and gets away with being a jerk because he is a genius. This diagnostician’s cynicism leads to classic quotes. Here’s one: “Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite.”
He also doesn’t like to talk to his patients, because he believes everybody lies, including chemicals. Quote: “You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they’re going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.”
This is a program where the medicine is always the star, and House enjoys particularly difficult medical puzzles. He has a team of doctors who enjoy medical mysteries as much as he does, including Dr. Eric Foreman (Omar Epps), Dr. Chris Taub (Peter Jacobson), Dr. Robert Chase (Jesse Spencer) and Thirteen (Olivia Wilde). House’s best friend is Dr. James Wilson (Robert Sean Leonard), and his boss is Dr. Lisa Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein), with whom House shares a volatile relationship. House quote on Cuddy, “She's not some floozy in a bar, she's the floozy I work for.”
Sometimes you want a show that doesn’t evolve into a soap opera on who is sleeping with whom. House, which was inspired by Sherlock Holmes, loves to solve medical mysteries. Here’s our classic House quote: “Tell a surgeon it's okay to cut a leg off and he's going to spend the night polishing his good hacksaw.... they care about their patients. They just care about themselves more. Which is not an unreasonable position. Trying to maximize the tissue you save also maximizes the chances of something going wrong. Which means you've gotta be extra careful. Which is such a pain in the ass.”
Rachel Adler: What made you a cripple?
Dr. Gregory House: I had an infarction.
Rachel Adler: A heart attack?
Dr. Gregory House: It happens when the blood flow is obstructed. It's in the heart, it's a heart attack; it's in the lungs, it's a pulmonary embolism; it's in the brain, it's a stroke. I had it in my legs.
Rachel Adler: Wasn't there something they could do?
Dr. Gregory House: There was plenty they could do... if they had made the right diagnosis. The only symptom was pain. Not many people get to experience muscle death.
Rachel Adler: Did you think you were dying?
Dr. Gregory House: I hoped I was dying.
[House referred to Chase as British] Dr. Robert Chase: I'm Australian!
Dr. Gregory House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British.
Rachel Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity.
Dr. Gregory House: There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it! I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass... it's always ugly, always! You can live with dignity; you can't die with it!
Dr. Cameron: Why did you hire me?
Dr. Gregory House: Does it matter?
Dr. Cameron: Kind of hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you.
Dr. Gregory House: Why?
Dr. Cameron: Is that rhetorical?
Dr. Gregory House: No, it just seems that way because you can't think of an answer. Does it make a difference what I think? I'm a jerk. The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job?
Dr. Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record.
Dr. Gregory House: No, it wasn't a racial thing. I didn't see a black guy, I just saw a doctor with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. And I hired you because you are extremely pretty.
Dr. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?
Dr. Gregory House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.
Dr. Cameron: I was at the top of my class!
Dr. Gregory House: But not "the" top.
Dr. Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic!
Dr. Gregory House: You were a very good applicant.
Dr. Cameron: But not the best.
Dr. Gregory House: Would that upset you, really, to think that you were hired for some genetic gift of beauty instead of some genetic gift of intelligence?
[Dr. House is seeing a patient whose skin is bright orange seeking treatment for back pain]
Dr. Gregory House: Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair.
Orange patient: What?
Dr. Gregory House: You're orange, you moron. And it's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention.
Dr. Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am!
Dr. Gregory House: You didn't have to. People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's a law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could've married rich, you could've been a model, you could've just shown up and people would've given you stuff - lots of stuff - but you didn't. You worked your stunning little ass off.
Dr. Cameron: Am I supposed to be flattered?
Dr. Gregory House: Gorgeous women do not go to medical school... unless they are as damaged as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member?
Dr. Cameron: No!
Dr. Gregory House: Sexually assaulted?
Dr. Cameron: No!
Dr. Gregory House: But you *are* damaged, aren't you?
Dr. Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. Gregory House: And truth often kicks us in the nads.
Dr. Gregory House: You think it's going to come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? 'Cause actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem: it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff? You're gonna rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops. Young Man: How did you...?
Dr. Gregory House: We've been here for half an hour and you haven't sat down; that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is; that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdie carved under your arm; that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it's not hemorrhoids. I've been a doctor twenty years, you're not going to surprise me.
Young Man: It's an MP3 player.
Dr. Gregory House: Is it... is it because of the size, the shape, or is it the pounding bass line?